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Teen Conflict Skills

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By Taylor Wasko
AMFT#129364

It can feel hard as a teenager to maintain relationships and to learn how to deal with conflict. And it’s true, it is hard! It’s scary!

When we have an issue with someone or a difficult situation to discuss, it’s easy for worrisome thoughts to pop into our brains: “What if they talk bad about me to someone else?” “What if they get mad at me and don’t like me anymore?” “What if they don’t want to be my friend or date me after I bring this up?” While we often don’t have any real evidence for these thoughts, we still think them, and they make us feel scared to speak about how we feel and what we need.

So, what might we do instead? We ruminate (think about it over and over). We let resentment build. We vent and complain about it to someone else (which often escalates it into a bigger problem than it was in the beginning). We stuff it and deny our feelings and needs.  As a result, we feel likely feel more angry, more anxious, and we don’t resolve anything.

In addition, in the age of social media, it can feel a lot easier to “talk things out” with someone through SnapChat, a text message, or through another form of social media. While this has become normal in our society, there are certain consequences I’ve observed in my time of being a therapist that this type of behavior can produce:

  1. You don’t learn how to advocate for yourself in real-time when you’re facing the difficult situation which leads to unhealthy boundaries, relationships and self-esteem.
  2. You doubt yourself and your ability to communicate, which results in higher levels of social anxiety and isolation.
  3. You become more addicted to your phone. There is a lot of scientific evidence that shows this increases risk for depression and anxiety.

Teenagers: you are at an age where learning interpersonal skills is imperative for confidence-building, maintaining relationships, preparing you for the workforce and life as an adult. Practicing face-to-face communication is necessary to prepare yourself for the future. Communication is the best tool we have to resolve problems, land that job you really want, work through an issue with someone you care about, and build self-esteem and confidence – so lets use it! Practice this communication tool next time you are feeling anxious to talk to someone about a problem:

DEAR MAN INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION SKILL

 Describe: Start with describing the situation objectively. Don’t say: “when you got mad at me last night on Facetime…” instead, do say “When we were on Facetime last night”

Express: next, express how you feel. You never actually know how someone else is feeling until they tell you. Avoid mind-reading when you communicate. Don’t say “when you were mad at me on Facetime…” do say “I felt sad and anxious when you stopped talking to me, it seemed like you were upset.”

Assert:  Don’t beat around the bush! Say what you need to say. “I need you to communicate with me if something is wrong. This would be helpful for me because I’ll know if we have a problem to work through.”

Reinforce: Reward the person if they respond well: “thank you for listening and understanding.”

Mindfulness: It can be easy to get off-topic in hard conversations, stay mindful of the goal in the conversation.

Appear Confident: Look confident by making eye contact, being aware of your body language, and consider your tone.

Negotiate: Always be open to the other persons needs and willing to negotiate. For example: “I understand if you need some time before talking the problem through. If you need to hang up because you’re upset, we can always talk when you’re ready.

Good luck, you’ve got this!

And if you would like help with improving your relationships, communication skills, self-esteem, managing anxiety or mood then working with a skilled therapist can help.  We have 5 to chose from here at A Balanced Life!

How to Make Your New Year’s Resolution Stick

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a-balanced-life-tahoeWell its the first week of 2022  My guess is most people have made New Year’s resolutions.  And the truth is, most people do not follow through with them.  Why is this?  Why is change so hard for humans?   And how do you make change stick?

To start, humans are a species that likes homeostasis, or status quo.  Change takes effort in the brain and the brain likes to use as little energy as possible in the short-term.  Problem is, many patterns we have can be ones that are self-defeating and in the big picture create more pain, suffering and use more energy.  Our brains like short, quick fixes and are resistant to using energy to change.  Therefore, it take quite a bit of determination to commit to making a change and lots of repetition for this change, or new habit, to become normalized and the new status quo.

Some helpful tips are to focus on one change at a time, and then repeat it intentionally and with as many reminders and tools as we need to do the new habit until it becomes the new normal.  Once this happens, this new habit becomes easy to stick with, but during times of duress we can go back to our old patterns.

Here is an analogy.  Imagine that your best friend lives half a mile away through the woods and for the past 5 years you have made pathway in the forest to their house.  Over time that pathway becomes worn down and you will be able to walk it without paying attention.  When your mind is wandering and thinking of other things, then before you know it you are at your friends house.  But then one day someone shares with you that if you take this other way 500 meters further north, there are better views, it is sunnier, and there is no poison ivy or prickers like on your other path.  You decide to try this new path and realize how much more pleasant it is.  But, the next day you are distracted and thinking of your work assignment for tomorrow and before you know it your half way down the old path so you just keep going.

This keeps happening and you barely remember the new path.  Then you decide to intentionally go the new path, and even if you start the old path, you turn around and go the new path, and you put reminders in your home to remember to go the new path.  Over the next few months you repeatedly go the new path and now this one is worn down and the old one is staring to fill in with weeds.  This new path is now what feels natural to you.  Except for the day you are really upset about something and before you know if you went down the old path.  This is what it is like to build neuronal pathways in your brain.  And even when you create a new one, the old one always exists, hopefully weaker, but will be gone back to in times of extreme duress.  This is because the lower parts of your brain that take over in fight or flight still have those pathways in place.  So habits need to be repeatedly practiced to become a new norm, and even then sometimes you will do an old bad habit, and then you consciously and with self-compassion get back onto the new path.

So given this new knowledge, what do you think is the best way to succeed at your new years resolution?

My tips:
1. Only focus on one new pathway (aka habit) at a time.

2. Make it a realistic pathway (don’t try and learn a new 28 mile path, but a new half mile path is a good start).

3. Repeat as many times as necessary.  There is actually a large array of studies showing there is no concrete number to days or time you need to practice a new habit before it takes hold.  It depends on the person, the habit, and a slew of other variables.  So you just keep repeating until it is the new norm.

4. Put reminders in place to help you succeed.

5. Use your support system to help you succeed.

6. Spend time to understand WHY you want to implement this new habit- write that down, and repeatedly review it.  Understanding what purpose, need is being met by this new habit.  What will you gain, why is this important to you?  Write it down, and review it regularly.

I hope these tips help you in your success to fulfilling you new years resolution.

If you are wanting help in becoming a better version of yourself, a skilled therapist using evidence-based therapies can help.  Here at A Balanced Life (www.abalancedlifetahoe.com) we have 7 skilled therapists with a variety of specialties who work with individuals, families, couples and children.

Call today to find your best fit therapist:

(530) 544-1748

or email us through our contact page: https://www.abalancedlifetahoe.com/contact-us/

Coping with the Caldor Fire: How To Reduce the Negative Impact of Trauma During a Crisis

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Charlotte-SantosBy Charlotte Santos, ASW – September 7, 2021

www.abalancedlifetahoe.com/our-therapists/

I was recently asked: “What can I do while in a crisis that will reduce the chance of long lasting trauma?”

My Answer: “We have to turn off the override switch.”

The cool thing about our brain is it is always looking to protect us. During heightened stressful times and traumatic events our brain can jump start our survival mode. You can think of our body and our nervous system as having two settings:

  • Baseline, often referred to as rest and digest.  This is when we are run by our parasympathetic nervous system, and where we hope to be most of the time.
  • Fight or Flight,aka our sympathetic nervous system, or our “override setting”, which is triggered by a potential threat.

Normally these two “settings” actually work together to keep us operating, but when something potentially traumatic happens our sympathetic nervous system takes the wheel to try to protect us.  Trauma occurs when the result of this survival mode leaves an emotional memory and pathway behind (for example if your heart races when you go by the spot you got into a car accident). Many times we don’t become aware of the neuronal pathways built in our brains by traumas we experienced until we do self-growth and reflection, such as happens in therapy.

Wait, so what’s happening to my brain? 

The short answer, in times of crisis and trauma our brain wants to flip that override switch. Our brain tells our body to release higher amounts of hormones like adrenaline, cortisol, and epinephrine which impact important things like our executive functioning, emotions, memory, and processing. Some noticeable changes in our body include our heart rate and blood pressure increasing and we start breathing heavier, this is what causes some to hyper ventilate. Once upon a time, this helped flash the emergency lights in our brain and helped us run faster and breath more efficiently to avoid being eaten by a lion, which could be considered a very good reason to flip the override switch and go into survival mode.   Now we can experience this when we are super stressed about a late assignment, what someone thinks of our appearance, our instagram post, saying the wrong thing, or when experiencing crisis and trauma. This brain and body response, in frequent or severe amounts, can have a long lasting impact on our brain functioning and brain health.

What does this have to do with crisis and trauma?

 When our brain is prioritizing safety and triggering trauma responses like fight, flight, fawn, or freeze, it doesn’t have the capacity to process events and memory like it should. Has someone ever cut you off in traffic or maybe you had a conversation that rubbed you the wrong way? Did it really bother you that day but a month later thinking back on it you no longer feel physically upset? Your brain was able to functionally and properly process those memories and emotions and transfer it from short-term memory to long-term memory, i.e. it’s in the past and no longer affects us.

However, when we experience trauma, our brain isn’t able to process the emotions and memories from the event like it should. It holds on to the strong emotions and fears and is unable to properly process through them to a place where we feel better on our own. Even after the event has passed, the emotional part of our brain keeps telling our body that trauma and threat is still present and wants to keep turning the override switch on. In other words, our brain is reacting to something in the past as if it’s in the present.

So what can I do about it?

Luckily, there are things that we can do to help engage our parasympathetic nervous system and turn off the override switch, which can be help us to make sound decisions using the logical part of our brain, process events and memories properly, and prevent traumatic stress and PTSD.

  •   While breath work may sound trivial, it is highly effective in managing our sympathetic nervous system.  We know that during trauma mode we increase oxygen levels (breathing heavier with inhaling more oxygen).  When we are safe we breath out longer than breathing in– the higher rates of CO2  tells our brain we are safe.  Three types of controlled breathing techniques to try:
  1. Box Breathing: breath in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4, repeat
  2. 3-4-5 breathing: breath in for 3, hold for 4, out for 5, repeat.
  3. 5-6 breathing:  breath in while counting to 5, pause, breath out to a count of six 6, pause, repeat.
  • Grounding, let’s activate those senses. Grounding skills help to bring and hold our focus to the present moment and what we are currently experiencing. Grounding skills engage our 5 senses.  A popular grounding technique is the 5-4-3-2-1 (usually paired with slow and controlled breathing). Identify and notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Take the time to slowly engage with each sense.

Other sensory grounding experiences to try: washing your hands with cold water and noticing the sensation, smelling your favorite candle and focusing on the scent, or listening to running water.  The goal is to try to take deep breaths while focusing on the present sensations our body is experiencing.

  • Keep that brain engaged. We know that when our sympathetic nervous system takes over, parts of our brain don’t optimally perform and process information. Doing things that activate both the right and left hemispheres while alternating helps to keep all parts of our brain engaged and our parasympathetic nervous system activated. Activities like going for a walk (right foot left foot…) or dribbling a ball back and forth (right hand left hand right hand left hand…) are great examples. This mimics something called bilateral stimulation which is used in trauma therapy techniques like EMDR to help process past trauma and treat PTSD symptoms. (To email our office about EMDR or other therapy options click here: https://www.abalancedlifetahoe.com/contact-us/or call (530) 544-1748.)

How therapy can help

A client recently shared with me how talking in therapy somehow helps so much more than talking with friends. I shared how as educated and trained professionals, therapists and licensed mental health professionals learn specific techniques to treat symptoms, educate, and help our clients navigate and process all types of experiences. We learn how to help our individual and unique clients find what works for them and their needs. Whether it’s learning some grounding skills or processing a natural disaster, therapists can be a huge asset in helping clients learn techniques to process past events still having a negative impact on their life or help “turn off the override switch” in their brain.

Call our office today to get your therapy questions answered or inquire about services:

(530) 544-1748

Charlotte Santos, ACSW #9596

Our Therapists

 

 

Coping with Wildfire Anxiety

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Lindsay Simon, LMFT – August 25, 2021

Humans are creatures of habit and we like certainty.  The current wildfire situation is one of many current external crisis in the world right now that is bringing up many uncomfortable emotions. In California there are 12 active large wildfires that have burned over 1.6 million acres. In the face of uncertainty and potential threat, we experience anxiety, unease, discomfort, feeling trapped, fear, anger or possibly sadness.

Currently (as of 8/25/21) in South Lake Tahoe the Caldor Fire is less than 20 miles away, 12% contained, has burned 126,566 acres, and is creating extremely unhealthy smoke and air quality in the Lake Tahoe Basin (700 plus AQI at times). The smoke provides a constant reminder of threat, leads to restlessness as outdoor activity is limited, creates and exacerbates health problems, lethargy, and of course anxiety.  We are all feeling it.  We are all in this together.

Here are some tips that might help you to cope with the current wildfire and smoke situation in the West, where wildfires are running rampant. (For additional reading on specifically managing COVID-19 related anxiety check out this previous post here: https://www.abalancedlifetahoe.com/coping-with-anxiety-in-these-difficult-times/)

  1. Radical Acceptance

This is a coping skills coined by Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  DBT is an evidence-based form of therapy developed for clients who experience intense emotions and identify as emotionally sensitive (usually as a result of childhood complex trauma and neglect).  Radical Acceptance is the concept of fully accepting things that are out of your control just as they are, rather than wishing they were different than they are.  Our desire and wish for things to be different than they are creates additional unnecessary suffering.  Something in all of our control is changing our thinking to accept situations that are out of our control.  What this might sound like is: “it is what it is” or “the wildfires are what they are, we can’t change the past, we can’t predict the future, it is what it is, and we can do the best we can to handle whatever comes our way when it comes our way.”

  1. Focus on What is IN Your Control and Take Action

Since you are radically accepting the things out of your control, (such as the fact that there are wildfires, smoke, or past human behaviors impacting the current situation) then you can focus your thoughts and actions on the things in your control in order to feel less anxious, sad, stuck or resentful.

Examples of things in your control that you can do right now to help you feel better:

Pack a bag to prepare for evacuation, prepare your house using the evacuation preparation list from Cal Fire, stay informed very intermittently (not constantly) of the fire situation, call a friend, read, play video games, do an online workout, meditate, practice gratitude for what you do have, research ways to help improve the environment, find volunteer organizations you can help through your time or financial support, focus on your blessings, do a creative project, paint, journal, play a board game, pray, sing, listen to music, dance, cook, eat healthy food, drink calming tea, limit caffeine intake, clean, catch up on sleep, re-arrange your furniture, build something, de-clutter, attend therapy and follow through with your therapy homework!  When you take the time to brainstorm there are lots of indoor activities that are possible.

*try sitting down for 2 minutes and writing down at least 10 action item ideas that work for you*

  1.  Be Mindful and Limit Your News Consumption

A negative spiral of anxiety can occur if you consume negative news that is meant to elicit negative emotions in order to keep your attention and improve ratings.  This becomes a negative cycle as once the news is off, anxiety creeps in from the uncertainty, you check the news again, then once you stop watching the anxiety comes back, then you check it again, etc.  This cycle of anxiety you experience can then be felt by those around you and create a negative mental, emotional and environmental space that is not necessary.

You can be in the midst of a natural disaster and stay calm, it all starts with what thoughts you choose to focus on (and recognizing and letting go of those that are not helpful such as future-tripping thoughts), use calm breathing and grounding skills, and create a calming environment.  Set boundaries around your news consumption and with those around you who are in a negative spiral in a kind and compassionate way.  Set a time to check on the news, ideal is at most once a day for less than 5 minutes.  Have an alert set on your phone for any immediate crisis responses needed.

  1. Practice Faith and Compassion in Yourself and Humanity

Although we like certainty, we are also a species of resilience and adaptability.  We have managed to evolve and survive over the past 2 million years, out surviving many other species while our population has grown dramatically in a vast variety of environments.  Being able to focus on our strengths as humans and believe and know that we can handle things that come our way when they come our way, can help increase your confidence in yourself and others.  The journey may not be perfect and smooth, and very bumpy at times, but we will get through it the best we can given the skills, awareness and knowledge we have at the time.

If you would like support in coping emotionally and mentally with the current world and personal stressors, a skilled therapist can help you feel better.  Here at A Balanced Life we have 6 highly skilled therapists, check out our options here: www.abalancedlifetahoe.com or reach out directly to the office to speak with Terra or Brit who can help answer your questions and find you the best fit therapist:

(530) 544-1748

Or email office@abalancedlifetahoe.com

 

Coping With Covid Burnout

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By, Lindsay Simon, LMFT

When will this all be over? It’s a common question and though vaccinations are underway, it sometimes feels like the end to COVID life can’t come soon enough.

A negative mentality can lead to frustration, anxiety, stress, or feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. It’s true that what we once knew as normal may not look or feel the same for a while. Here are some steps toward finding a sense of new normalcy and making the most of the current situation with COVID-19.

Focus on the controllables. Focusing on things out of your control is a guaranteed way to increase stress, anxiety, frustration and resentments. Other peoples actions, beliefs and choices are out of your control. The fact that we are living during a global pandemic is out of your control. The past and the future are out of your control. Try to make a list of things out of reach or out of your control on one side and the things in your control on the other side. Things in your control are your thoughts, actions and boundaries you have in the world and with other people. Accept what you can’t change and focus your energy on what you can control in order to improve your mental and emotional health.

Find ways to be grateful. Appreciate what you do have. Maybe it’s a job, a relationship, a pet or a person in your life, having hot water, the ability to walk, or the ability to spend time in the great outdoors. A habit that I practice daily is waking up and consciously implementing gratitude for my pillow, soft sheets and bed so that I start my brain on a path of positivity each day. Name and appreciate these things daily. A daily gratitude journal where you write down 3 good things that happened that day, and how they made you feel, can help form this healthy thinking habit.

Take time for reflection. Journaling can help organize your thoughts and feelings, and find meaning from difficult life experiences. Topics to consider writing about: the losses you have experienced and their impacts on you, ways you have shown strength or grown, and relationships that have improved during the pandemic.

Practice acceptance and forgiveness. Research shows that people who practice forgiving others and accepting things the way they are lead happier, healthier lives. This includes self-acceptance. Remember, we are all doing the best we can given the skills, awareness and knowledge we have at the time.

Reset your goals. Create professional and personal goals that are safe and reasonable. Break them down into smaller steps. As you achieve a step, check it off of a list. Remember, it is better to try and fail than to have never tried at all.

Prioritize ties with loved ones. Look at how this past year has strengthened some relationships and reconnected you with others. Actively foster these relationships. Have a picnic or go for a bike ride or walk together. If you feel stuck, ask for help from a trusted friend, family member, or trained professional, such as a therapist.

I hope these tips can help you during this difficult time in the world. A skilled therapist can help guide you through this difficult time so that you can come out of it stronger, more resilient and leading a more fulfilling life.  We have 6 highly skilled therapists at A Balanced Life that are available to help you on your journey.  Check out our options of therapists here: https://www.abalancedlifetahoe.com/our-therapists/.

Or call our office (530) 544-1748 and Terra or Brittany can help answer your questions and find the best fit therapist for you.

Improve Your Relationship in 45 Seconds a Day

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How to Improve Your Relationship in Just 45 Seconds a Day
July 21, 2021 by Lindsay Simon, LMFT, Clinical Director of A Balanced Life

Research shows that happy, long-lasting relationships have at a minimum of a 5:1 ratio of positive encounters to negative throughout the day.  Every positive encounter adds to a couples “emotional bank account” which is depleted during a negative interaction at a rate 5 or more times stronger.  This is due to the evolutionary trait of humans being vigilant to threats in their environment for survival purposes.  I like to tell clients we are built to survive, not to be happy.  You can increase your emotional bank account through a large variety of science-backed methods that can be taught and implemented through participating in an evidence-based form of couples therapy.

Here is an example of two ways to improve your emotional bank account, which then leads to a happier and healthier relationship and ability to tolerate negative experiences.

  1. Give appreciations….all day long..  Throughout the day practice verbalizing all the things your partner does that you appreciate (and for bonus emotional bank account deposits share with them the WHY as well).  You want to create a mental habit of “catching your partner doing it right” rather than scanning for threats or what they are doing wrong, which will poison the relationship over time. We want at least 5 appreciations for every 1 complaint (the healthiest relationships are at a 20:1 ratio!).

Example: “Thank you so much for taking the trash out.  It helps be feel calmer to see a clean kitchen and it also make me feel like this is a partnership where we help each other out, both of which I appreciate so much, thank you.”

  1. The 6 second kiss: when you say hello and leave each other, or just because, get in the habit of kissing your partner on the lips for 6 seconds (as long as it is consensual of course;-).  Six seconds is how long it takes for oxytocin (the attachment hormone) to release.  Oxytocin has the wonderful properties of reducing stress, lowering blood pressure and creating a feeling of connection.

Implementing these two skills can take less than 45 seconds a day, and over time these small interactions add up in your emotional bank account. Relationships are built and strengthened through small interactions throughout the day, not by big occasional gestures.  A therapist trained in an evidence-based form of couples therapy can help couples heal and strengthen their relationships based on decades of research.

Are you ready to strengthen your relationship?

If you are interested in learning more to see if a couples therapist at A Balanced Life might help you and your partner improve their relationship, call today to talk to Tara:

(530) 544-1748

Or email: office@abalancedlifetahoe.com

To see our therapist options click here: https://www.abalancedlifetahoe.com/our-therapists/