×

530-544-1748

willpower

How to Make Your New Year’s Resolution Stick

by Leave a Comment

a-balanced-life-tahoeWell its the first week of 2022  My guess is most people have made New Year’s resolutions.  And the truth is, most people do not follow through with them.  Why is this?  Why is change so hard for humans?   And how do you make change stick?

To start, humans are a species that likes homeostasis, or status quo.  Change takes effort in the brain and the brain likes to use as little energy as possible in the short-term.  Problem is, many patterns we have can be ones that are self-defeating and in the big picture create more pain, suffering and use more energy.  Our brains like short, quick fixes and are resistant to using energy to change.  Therefore, it take quite a bit of determination to commit to making a change and lots of repetition for this change, or new habit, to become normalized and the new status quo.

Some helpful tips are to focus on one change at a time, and then repeat it intentionally and with as many reminders and tools as we need to do the new habit until it becomes the new normal.  Once this happens, this new habit becomes easy to stick with, but during times of duress we can go back to our old patterns.

Here is an analogy.  Imagine that your best friend lives half a mile away through the woods and for the past 5 years you have made pathway in the forest to their house.  Over time that pathway becomes worn down and you will be able to walk it without paying attention.  When your mind is wandering and thinking of other things, then before you know it you are at your friends house.  But then one day someone shares with you that if you take this other way 500 meters further north, there are better views, it is sunnier, and there is no poison ivy or prickers like on your other path.  You decide to try this new path and realize how much more pleasant it is.  But, the next day you are distracted and thinking of your work assignment for tomorrow and before you know it your half way down the old path so you just keep going.

This keeps happening and you barely remember the new path.  Then you decide to intentionally go the new path, and even if you start the old path, you turn around and go the new path, and you put reminders in your home to remember to go the new path.  Over the next few months you repeatedly go the new path and now this one is worn down and the old one is staring to fill in with weeds.  This new path is now what feels natural to you.  Except for the day you are really upset about something and before you know if you went down the old path.  This is what it is like to build neuronal pathways in your brain.  And even when you create a new one, the old one always exists, hopefully weaker, but will be gone back to in times of extreme duress.  This is because the lower parts of your brain that take over in fight or flight still have those pathways in place.  So habits need to be repeatedly practiced to become a new norm, and even then sometimes you will do an old bad habit, and then you consciously and with self-compassion get back onto the new path.

So given this new knowledge, what do you think is the best way to succeed at your new years resolution?

My tips:
1. Only focus on one new pathway (aka habit) at a time.

2. Make it a realistic pathway (don’t try and learn a new 28 mile path, but a new half mile path is a good start).

3. Repeat as many times as necessary.  There is actually a large array of studies showing there is no concrete number to days or time you need to practice a new habit before it takes hold.  It depends on the person, the habit, and a slew of other variables.  So you just keep repeating until it is the new norm.

4. Put reminders in place to help you succeed.

5. Use your support system to help you succeed.

6. Spend time to understand WHY you want to implement this new habit- write that down, and repeatedly review it.  Understanding what purpose, need is being met by this new habit.  What will you gain, why is this important to you?  Write it down, and review it regularly.

I hope these tips help you in your success to fulfilling you new years resolution.

If you are wanting help in becoming a better version of yourself, a skilled therapist using evidence-based therapies can help.  Here at A Balanced Life (www.abalancedlifetahoe.com) we have 7 skilled therapists with a variety of specialties who work with individuals, families, couples and children.

Call today to find your best fit therapist:

(530) 544-1748

or email us through our contact page: https://www.abalancedlifetahoe.com/contact-us/

Behavioral Change is NOT about Willpower

by Leave a Comment

If you’re like the vast majority of people, you have a behavior that you’d like to change, maybe nail biting, smoking, or getting more exercise. Most people think making a change is linked to willpower and the strength of one’s character. The reality is, sometimes all it takes is changing the way we THINK about our behaviors to actually change them.

I’ll be using my own example of quitting smoking, which happened about 10 years ago. My reasons for quitting smoking were multifold, but mainly I wanted to have better health. I tried white-knuckling it (using pure willpower) several times and it didn’t work. I’d heard that it takes on average 8-14 attempts to quit smoking, and that most smokers don’t stop until their 40s or 50s, so I wanted to take a different approach. Below are tips and tricks that are associated with long term success. These tools helped me immensely in my own behavior change. 

Tip 1: Tracking your behavior.
Tracking your behavior gives you increased awareness and greater responsibility for making new choices. Keeping a record will also help you to find out what events trigger the action. Start with writing down (on your cell phone, notebook, a piece of paper – whatever works!) every time you do the behavior for one week. This will give you a baseline of how often you indulge in the habit you want to change. As time passes, you will be able to see your progress. By keeping track, I noticed particular patterns, such as smoking when I first woke up, when I was driving, when I first got home and after meals. I ended up with an average of a certain number of cigarettes per day. I made a plan for the next week to reduce the number of cigarettes I smoked by half.

Tip 2: Find and focus on your motivation
What is your goal and why do you want to do this? Take time to reflect and ask yourself at least 5 “why” questions, to fully explore why you want to change your behavior

For example:

  1. Why do you want to stop smoking: to get healthy
  2. Why do you want to get healthy: so I can live longer and in less pain
  3. Why do you want to live longer: so I can help more people and watch my kids grow up
  4. Why is it important that you watch your kids grow up and help people: because I want to leave a positive legacy behind
  5. Why is it important that you leave a positive legacy: because I want to live a meaningful life and feel like I have a purpose on this planet

You can use the results of your journaling exercise to create a mantra. For me, it was “Get Healthy! Breathe!” Every day I would re-read those words and this helped me to maintain my motivation and focus. 

Tip 3: Environmental Control
When we have temptations in our immediate environment, we are more likely to slip into old ways. If I didn’t have cigarettes with me, then I was less likely to smoke. Of course I could always run by a store and get some, but not having them immediately accessible allowed me to be more mindful, give me time to interrupt my urge and decision to buy more cigarettes, and/or use my distraction techniques. 

Take inventory of your home environment and set yourself up for success by getting rid of things that will trigger the behavior you’re removing. If you’re working to increase or add a behavior, such as going for a run in the morning, get your running shoes and outfit ready before you go to bed at night.

Tip 4: It is easier to add a behavior, than to take it away
If you want to reduce a behavior, find something that you can replace it with. If you are adding or increasing a behavior, pair it with something you already do. For example, if you want to practice mindfulness each day, try pairing it with brushing your teeth. Each day after you brush your teeth, do your mindfulness practice. 

I made plans to cope during the times I would normally want to smoke. Instead of immediately smoking when I got home, I would distract myself with putting my things away (instead of just dumping it on a chair), playing with my pets, etc. While driving, I would chew gum or mints. I brushed my teeth right after dinner so I would be less tempted to smoke. 

Tip 5: Accountability
It can be hard to make changes – so having someone to help you stay accountable, while building you up and helping you problem solve, can be invaluable for a behavior change. I bet you have a friend who also has a behavior they’d like to change. Even if the behavior is different from yours, you can still help each other! I had accountability with a classmate who was working on procrastination. We helped each other by checking in each week and sharing what we noticed about our experience. 

Tip 6: Reward yourself
Come up with a plan to reward yourself for accomplishing your behavior! You’ve earned it! Make sure that it’s something special and that it is aligned with your goals. For example, rewarding yourself for sticking to your workout goals for the week could be taking a new class that you’ve wanted to try or buying some new workout gear. When I was able to stick to or below my goal, I rewarded myself with a piece of dark chocolate before bed (from a sleep hygiene perspective I do not recommend this as chocolate has caffeine, but you get the point). If I didn’t meet my goal, I would do ten pushups or situps.

I hope you find these tools helpful in working towards your behavior change goals. It’s been 10 years since I kicked the habit of smoking, and while it was difficult, using these strategies I was able to effect a lasting change in my life. 

If you’re working hard and still struggling or feeling stuck, we have therapists on staff who are ready to support you. You may also want to check out our SMART Recovery meeting, which meets every Tuesday at 6:00pm. SMART Recovery is open to anyone working on quitting or decreasing any addictive behavior, whether it’s phone addiction, gambling, or substance related. We offer SMART Recovery by donation and all are welcome! 

For more support: 

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/quitting-smoking-expect-failure-before-you-succeed#1

https://medium.com/lifeomic/10-science-backed-tips-to-making-a-health-behavior-change-that-sticks-8655c3bbde50

https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/lifestyle-changes

Karen Joaquin LMFT, 82969 | I am a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, LMFT and a Licensed Advanced Alcohol and Drug Counselor with the California Consortium of Addiction Programs and Professionals. I obtained my MA degree in Counseling Psychology at University of San Francisco and have 9 years of providing individual, family and group therapy in the Bay Area and South Lake Tahoe. I have worked with mostly adolescents and adults, with extensive experience with co-occurring disorders and those involved in the justice system. In addition, I have experience in a variety of work environments including crisis services, county, school, group home and field-based services. I will work collaboratively with other providers such as Primary Care Physicians, Psychiatrists and other clinicians for a comprehensive approach. I primarily use a Cognitive-Behavioral approach, incorporating strategies from Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Solutions-Focused treatment, and humanistic strategies. I believe that by forming a cooperative relationship, I can work together with my clients to form a fresh understanding of their experiences, allowing for change to occur.