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Social Skills

De-Personalizing Family Conflict During the Holidays: A Guide to Protecting Your Mental Health

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The holiday season is often depicted as a time of joy, celebration, and familial harmony. However, the reality for many families can be quite different. For those who experience ongoing conflict or challenging relationships, the holiday season can become a source of stress and anxiety. Navigating these complex dynamics is crucial not only for the peace of the season but also for our mental health. One effective strategy to manage these situations is to de-personalize conflicts and tricky interactions with family members. Here’s how you can do that and why it’s beneficial.

Understanding De-Personalization

De-personalization means stepping back and recognizing that family conflicts often arise not strictly from personal failings or character flaws, but from larger dynamics and patterns. It involves reframing your perspective to see the bigger picture—acknowledging that behavior can be influenced by stress, tradition, and individual backgrounds, rather than simply an attack on your character.

How to De-Personalize Family Conflicts

1. Acknowledge Individual Differences
Every family member brings their own unique history, beliefs, and emotional baggage to the table. Recognizing that everyone has their own perspectives can help you empathize with their actions rather than take them personally. When conflicts arise, try to remind yourself that the source of the tension may stem from their experiences and not necessarily a reflection of your worth.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries
Establishing boundaries is vital to maintaining your mental health during the holidays. Clearly define what is acceptable and what is not. If certain topics (politics, finances, past grievances) tend to create tension, consider politely steering the conversation away from these sensitive areas or excusing yourself when tensions rise. Setting these boundaries protects your emotional space and allows for a more enjoyable experience.

3. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness can help you stay grounded during moments of conflict. By bringing awareness to your thoughts and feelings without judgment, you can prevent yourself from reacting impulsively.
Techniques such as deep breathing or visualization can create a buffer against triggers and help maintain a sense of calm amidst chaos.

4. Focus on Shared Goals
Instead of fixating on the differences that divide you, consider focusing on what you and your family members share—a love for one another, traditions, or the act of being together. Finding
common ground can foster a sense of unity that overshadows discord.

5. Detach Emotionally
While this may sound challenging, detaching from the emotional weight of conflicts can provide relief. Remind yourself that you cannot control others’ feelings or reactions, but you can control
how you respond. Practice viewing disputes as just that—disputes. They don’t define your entire relationship or self-worth.

The Benefits to Mental Health: De-personalizing family conflict during the holidays holds significant benefits for your mental well-being:

● Reduced Anxiety and Stress: By adopting a more detached perspective, you lessen the impact of conflicts on your emotional state, which can alleviate feelings of anxiety and the stress that often accompanies family gatherings.

● Enhanced Relationships: Viewing conflicts through a broader lens allows for forgiveness and understanding. This doesn’t mean you have to reconcile all differences, but it opens the door for positive interactions and improved relationships in future gatherings.

● Increased Emotional Resilience: By practicing de-personalization, you build emotional resilience.Recognizing that conflict is often more about context than you allows for greater control over your responses and contributes to a sense of empowerment.

● Greater Enjoyment of the Season: Ultimately, the holiday season is about connection and joy. By reducing the personal stakes in sibling rivalries or family dramas, you create space for authentic, enjoyable experiences with loved ones.

Holidays can stir up old wounds and ignite longstanding conflicts, but by practicing de-personalization, we can navigate these turbulent waters with more grace and understanding. This shift not only enhances your own experience but also contributes to a more harmonious atmosphere for everyone involved. Prioritizing mental health during the holidays serves to ensure that we emerge from this festive season not just intact, but uplifted and connected to what truly matters. So, as you gather around the table this year, remember: conflict is rarely personal; it’s a shared human experience. Embrace it with understanding and grace, and watch your holiday transformation unfold.

Need help navigating family conflict this holiday season? We’re here to help — take the next step with A Balanced Life today. Give us a call: (530) 544-1748

How Play Therapy Can Help Children Heal

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by Kaye Brindley, ASW, Certified First Responder Counselor and Play Therapy-trained

Child-Centered Play Therapy (CCPT) is an evidence-based form of therapy for children ages 3-10 years old you are experiencing social, emotional, behavioral and relational disorders.

CCPT is designed to help children express their emotions, process experiences, and develop coping mechanisms through the medium of play. It is rooted in the principles of Carl Rogers’ person-centered therapy, emphasizing unconditional positive regard, empathy, and the therapist’s non-directive stance.  Using a non-directive approach the therapist does not lead or direct the play. Instead, they allow children to choose how they want to engage, which empowers them to explore their thoughts and feelings in a safe, supportive environment.

The relationship between the therapist and the child is central to CCPT. The therapist creates an environment of warmth, acceptance, and genuine interest, fostering trust and security. Therapists maintain an attitude of acceptance and non-judgment towards the child, which helps the child feel valued and understood, regardless of their behavior during play.
The therapist will demonstrate empathy in session by reflecting the child’s feelings and experiences, helping the child to feel heard and validated.

During CCPT sessions, children use toys and play materials to express their inner experiences. These might include miniature figures, art supplies, sand trays, or other items that allow for symbolic play. The therapist carefully observes and responds to the child’s play without directing it, facilitating the child’s natural healing process.

The sessions provide children with an opportunity to:
– Explore and understand their emotions.
– Develop problem-solving skills.
– Gain a sense of mastery and control.
– Build self-esteem and confidence.
– Process traumatic experiences in a safe context.

CCPT has been shown to be effective in addressing many issues, including anxiety, depression, trauma, behavioral problems, and social difficulties. It is particularly beneficial for children who may struggle to articulate their thoughts and feelings verbally. By engaging in play, children can communicate in their natural language, making therapy more accessible and meaningful to them.

CCPT can be used in various settings, including schools, clinics, hospitals, and private practices. It is suitable for children of different ages and developmental stages and can be adapted to meet the unique needs of each child. The flexibility and responsiveness of CCPT make it a valuable tool for therapists working with diverse populations.

Child-Centered Play Therapy is a compassionate and effective approach that leverages the power of play to support children’s emotional and psychological well-being. Through a non-directive and empathetic therapeutic relationship, children can explore, express, and resolve their inner conflicts, leading to healthier development and improved mental health.

If you are interested in having your child heal through play therapy, you can email us through the link in our website or call use directly at (530) 544-1748 to work with one of our play therapy trained therapists.

Here at A Balanced Life we also have therapists who provide couples, family and individual therapy for children, teens, adults and older adults.  Call today: (530) 544-1748.

 

 

How People Pleasing Leads to Illness – By Lindsay Simon, LMFT

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LindsayAre you a people pleaser?  Do you know someone who is a people pleaser?  If so, this can be a helpful blog post to help improve assertiveness and healthy boundaries in order to improve mental and physical health and longevity of life.

People pleasers are created, not born.  People pleasing is an adaptive response to an environment where expressing anger is not safe.  People pleasing is putting other peoples needs before your own and might also be called “conflict avoidant”.  At some point this was an adaptive response.  An example would be the young child who expresses frustration or anger over not being able to have their cookie before dinner (a normal emotional response), and their parent then yelling and raging at them.  After repeatedly experiencing this kind of reaction, they learn that love is conditional and they need to suppress their anger in order to be good and lovable.  This child has now learned that anger creates a risk to their survival and learns to stuff it.  This in turn suppresses their immune system, increases cortisol levels, impacts the development of their brain, and makes them more vulnerable to being a victim of domestic abuse later in life. So what was once adaptive in order to be accepted, loved and cared for by their parent for survival purposes, becomes maladaptive and problematic later in life.

 

Now, going back to example, let me clear that this does not mean you should give the child the cookie.  As a parent, we now know that we want to emotionally coach our child through their emotional world by helping them name and validate their emotional experience while holding boundaries.  This might sound like “I know, it’s so frustrating to not be able to eat the cookie right now.  I know, I get it, its sad and frustrating.  I feel the same sometimes when I don’t get what I want right away.  And, I’m your mom/dad so my job is to keep you healthy and safe and make sure you get all your vitamins you need to grow healthy and strong.  And know that I love you, I get you, and once dinner is finished we can have that cookie.” And follow up with soothing with physical touch such as a hug as needed.

Teaching children that anger is healthy, and how to express it in a healthy way (with our words not punching), and allowing them the safe place to talk about their feelings, helps children increase their emotional and social intelligence.  Research shows that social and emotional intelligence is the number one predictor of childhood success later in life (academically, financially, occupationally, relationally, emotionally, mentally).  If this is taught as a child, then as an adult we are better able to have healthy relationships with healthy boundaries.

However, if we were taught to prioritize other peoples needs (which happens often when there is an alcoholic parent, aggressive parent, or sick primary family member), then we learn to be passive and that our needs aren’t as important.  As we grow into adults, passive behaviors over time leads to resentment, low self-esteem, and mental and physical illness.

People pleasing is at its core the act of suppressing healthy anger.  When our personal boundaries are violated, when we are hurt by others, we have a healthy anger response.  When we suppress our healthy anger we are suppressing our immune system.  The connection between the immune system and emotions can be read more about here: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4212945/

It is important to differentiate between an angry feeling vs an angry reactive behavior, aka aggression.  The flip side of people pleasing, or passivity, is aggression.  This is not the answer either.  Aggression is prioritizing your own needs in a way that hurts others.  In a way that gains power and control.  Aggression is also a maladaptive response to living in an environment as a child where your needs are not being met.  Aggression is a defense mechanism that uses fear to get what you want quickly, while at the same time keeps others at a distance which protects you against vulnerability.  This also prevents you from having close, healthy relationships which research has shown is directly related to life longevity, physical and mental health.

Both people pleasing and aggression lead to a life of more stress.  Stress releases hormones that cause inflammation and immune suppression.  This results in more physical and mental illness and less time on this planet.  The alternative is learning how to think and behave assertively in order to create healthy boundaries in life.  A skilled therapist can help you start on this journey.

See Lindsay’s original article in the highly esteem Moonshine Ink, North Lake Tahoe/Truckee’s independent newspaper here:

https://www.moonshineink.com/wellness-learning/people-pleasing/

To inquire at A Balanced Life to find a best fit therapist for you go to our contact page:

https://www.abalancedlifetahoe.com/contact-us/